Motivation... "Realiti" by Grimes

Due to space limitations, "Realiti" didn't make the vinyl edition of Grimes' album "Art Angels", but I am so glad she included it with the digital download! It's been an absolute favourite song since getting the record late last year, and it's become the definitive song that gets me up and moving every morning! I just don't tire of it! The beat, the soundscape of it, that chorus:

"Oh, baby every morning there are mountains to climb
Taking all my time
Oh, when I get up, this is what I see
Welcome to reality
Oh, baby, every morning there are mountains to climb
Taking all my time
Oh, when I get up, this is what I see
Welcome to reality"

I hear these lines and I feel like "I accept there are obstacles in life, but take heart and overcome them!"

I love the video! It just makes me want to move and dance like her! So very thankful for her music at this time in my life! 

Appreciation... The Acceptance of Dear Friends!

My birthday was a month ago today, and that's reason enough to show off this really sweet card, my good friend and co-worker Nicky, got for me! It just made me smile and tear up all at once! It’s little things like this that make me feel good about this path I’m on, and so very lucky to have some true friends who support me!

Inspiration... "There Is No Name Yet"

"There Is No Name Yet"

by Dorothea Lasky

“Until I find a name
I will not put it in the soul calculator
I will leave it free and open and unnamed
And not limit my expectations for the kind of person
That goes in one direction of the wind
I will keep all lines of the wind open
And place all my days free and empty
And re-envision what it means to be unencumbered
Or bereft
Not crying but the expanse of numbers
That go beyond the grave to what is left
And it may be true
I said it could be true
That the sunny days do stick to walls
And then enter you
It may be true that the purple bells do chime
Everyday you let them
It may be true that the sweet juice
I put across my lips would not be my last
But that the nights could get better and better
Until the evil is banished until the day
When the sun would crush it anyway
It was true without a set of things like letters
It was true the air was free and open
And I saw things as they were
Without violence
For the first time”

I've been putting a lot of thought into the question of a name lately. As I am still not out to many people in my life, I haven’t had to really step up and say I’d like you to use my new name… (fill in the blank). But this is something I hope to resolve soon. I imagine I can’t be the only one who has ever had so much back and forth when faced with this choice. I will always probably be “Jo” as I am planning on making “Josephine” a part of my name. I love the name “Audrey”, but I also like the name Alysia. I’ve had some fun going by “Audrey” or “Audrey Jo” online as I sign up for Ulta coupons, Modcloth newsletters, and on Tumblr, the I love the nickname, AJ. But I also feel awkward about it, so I start to think it’s a silly idea.  Of course, I do that with so many thing now, as I struggle to find comfort in this skin. But this poem has really given me a sense of inspiration to work harder to resolve some of these questions I still have about my transition, my presentation, and my hopes as I keep "all lines of the wind open" before me.

Confession... "Most people think I am writing a blog, but if you look closer, actually I am planning my escape."

I adore this short film. I found it a few years ago, and I think I feel a different set of emotions each time I watch it. It's charmingly French, especially as it offers several nods to classic French cinema. There's moments that make me laugh, but it often makes me quite sad too. There's a loneliness, a feeling of a sincere desperation to share something of yourself with someone. When you're lonely, there can be so much joy when someone enters your world if even for a little while. Even once you reach the end and discover "who" her visitor is I can't help feeling it's rather bittersweet. Watch it yourself and decide how you feel. I should add that the video's descrption offers these details: "Jeanne Damas humorously portrays the tormented soul of the self-indulgent 'Bohemian' who can't decide which pieces from & Other Stories' collection to wear. Director Wendy McColm presents a darker subtext that point to the changes that need to be made to the way in which women are portrayed both in, and by the fashion industry."

Inspiration... The Spook School

Music is the thing that keeps me going. It's always done that for me, and it's even more important now. Especially this band, The Spook School. I know there’s a number of transgender/gender queer artists out there, but this band really does it for me! This song especially has become a true favourite! It’s what I do every single day… I Try To Be Hopeful. 

“Sometimes I get so hopeful I make myself scared / that I will wake up and the hope will disappear 
Sometimes I see you clench your fists and close your eyes / like you’re dreading the same thing / like you’re saying your goodbyes

I’ve been waiting outside for what seems like years / when I finally get inside I’ll give in to the fear 
of finally having what I want, I’ll finally know / if this really really will fix me / if my problems will all sail away

and I know, you’ve been finding things hard / if you want to we can sit outside / and talk about anything else / and I know, you’ve been upset / I know I’m not the best, but I’ll try

I’ll try, try to be hopeful / if you try, try to be hopeful

(and we can be/the best people we could ever be)”

"There's Always Music in the Air"

When I started this blog years ago, one of the biggest focuses I had at the time was music, and this passion certainly remains. So in order to get back on track a bit, I thought I could start with a little bit of music catch-up, because a lot of new sounds have entered my life in the last two years!

It's hard to even decide where to begin, so I'll simply pick a song by an artist I'm really enjoying these days. That artist is songwriter and producer, Gabrielle Smith, and her recording project as Eskimeaux. Smith adopted this moniker in 2007, when she began creating experimental and noise albums. In the years that followed, her music transformed into a more refined sound with an increasing focus on structured songwriting. This shift is especially evident on her last album, "O.K." which she describes as "beat-driven and poetic bedroom pop." Eskimeaux is also one of the founding members of The Epoch, a Brooklyn-based songwriting and art collective. This is the single "Broken Necks" from her 2015 album, "O.K.", and she's set to have a brand new EP, "Year of the Rabbit" available on April 15, 2016.

This is a great song for this time of year as "The birds are singing louder and the days are getting longer..." but it's a springtime song that carries a tinge of sadness too.

In Between Days

Life equals change. If you don't spend some moment each day pondering a new idea, ingesting some morsel of fresh knowledge, plotting a different course, even just dancing to an unfamiliar beat, well... then we stagnate, we grey, we cease to exist in a way that really matters. In the almost two years since my last post on this little blog of mine, my life has become a tremendous place for change, for reflection, for growth, for renewal, for reinvention, for personal truth. I am happy in a way I have never known. I feel alive in the knowledge of who I am. But I am also terrified. Terrified about facing rejection, terrified in knowing the resistance that comes with going against the grain in life, and maybe a bit terrified that acceptance will be a daily struggle.

When we are born our parents and our place in this society provide us an identity, and we are each groomed to understand what we need to play this role. But not all of us can take this part and make it work for us. There's problems with the script, we act out and push the boundaries of the role, conflicts arise with other members of the cast, or we have a disagreement with wardrobe. But that's the stuff of good drama, right? That's the stuff that makes people sit up in their chairs and pay attention!  It's what makes us rethink what we've been told about everyone's role in this production we call "Life." I know I like to think I have tried to push the script since the beginning, but the truth is I have only ever been so brave.

But what was my role? Was it really so bad? Well, no... but yes! But what can I do about it? I didn't ask for this role, you just gave me this part:

• Firstborn son of a married heterosexual couple
• Two siblings, a brother and a sister
• Attendance at a local Protestant church
• Grew up in a rural farming community
• Limited exposure to life outside the "traditional white American experience"

There's times that I think that I wish I could have just gone along with all of it, and just became the person I was expected to be. Instead, I felt very deeply inside, even early on that that wasn't going to happen. I did not feel carefree or content about many aspects of this character I was set to play. My parents are truly and genuinely goodhearted people, so I will say right now that I am grateful for that. As far as me being the oldest, no objections there, and I love my siblings even despite some hurt feelings and misgivings along the way. As for being a son, well... I was cast in this boy body immediately upon joining this cast, so making that my identifying gender placed titles and pronouns and a world of expectations upon me immediately. And that is the place my problems truly began, for as I came into an understanding of what "boy" meant, what "he/his" meant, what "someday you'll be a man" required -I started to feel I didn't want that. But then what did I want? That is a decision that has taken me a lifetime to discover, and hasn't been an easy conclusion until now.  I knew as a kid that I just felt off compared to other boys. Situations like being in locker rooms were really tense for me. The dysphoric dread and terror of which team I could end up on in a soccer practice game of "shirts versus skins", was a horror I will never forget! I didn't want to take my shirt off! I remember begging Coach Nailor to "please, please let me be shirts!" I just wasn't like these "boys". These feelings were just overwhelming! Inside I thought it was wrong, but I felt like I should be a girl. So in 1992, at the age of 17 and after so many years of hurt feelings, I shared this with a few friends who did what I should have probably expected - they laughed.  So I laughed. I had to play it off, "I don't know what I'm saying, forgive me." But the feelings were true, and it has never ever waned. No matter who I dated, or that I finally got to go to art school, and especially impulsively getting married did nothing to lift this burden!

It would take twenty-three years to find the courage to sit down with a friend and tell her that inside I feel like a woman. So here I was in 2015, after years of learning a term called "transgender", after years of learning about options for medically transitioning, after countless nights spent reading others' accounts of all they did to try to be who everyone thought they should be and the courage they found to finally be who they really are... after all of that, all of these years, I have decided to finally be that person too.

I began coming out in May of last year, and on June 2nd, I had my first appointment with a gender therapist. I can genuinely say that I got so much out of this experience of therapy. It was reaffirming to my perception of my identity. We worked through the years of inner turmoil of internalising this struggle, and I was able to develop a way out of the corner I had painted myself into by developing a path to transition. I have to admit I had some initial misgivings about therapy, but it is a state required gender confirmation process that has to be done. I couldn't even talk to a doctor to begin gender transitioning without fulfilling this requirement. But the therapy really gave me a way to understand all of the challenges and necessities I would encounter and helped me develop a better road map for my transition. As I proceeded in therapy, I also did the work each week of setting goals for myself -come out to friends, find support in the community, foster relationships with allies, make financial considerations, find a health support clinic. From guidance in how to live and function as a woman, to understanding the changes in wardrobe, makeup, as well as managing the anxiety over personal image and "passing" which is an acceptance that most trans women struggle with their entire lives. I set goals every week, like I will come out to my parents by this date, I will find health services by this time, I will go to Pride in Lancaster and Harrisburg, I will go out and buy women's clothes at this time, I will secure my letter of gender confirmation by this date, and ideally begin HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy).

I got my letter from my therapist on October 19th, and that was a very special night for me! After four and a half months of weekly therapy, I was so ready for that moment. My first doctor's appointment was the next morning at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia, and I don't even know how I got any sleep the night before! I had two appointments that morning. The first one was to be assessed by their on staff psychologist, and review my letter. After that initial hour, I had a small break and met with my endochrinologist for the first time! We discussed my hopes for transitioning, what I could expect from HRT and that it carries health risks too. After that, it was time to draw some blood. And that was kind of that until next month, when we would go over my labs in a follow up appointment.

That follow up came on November 18th, and I was quite pleased with the feedback on my health, especially that my natural testosterone level was already quite below low normal. I got my first HRT prescriptions for Estradiol (Estrogen) and Spironolactone, which is taken to lower the testosterone levels even further so that the estrogen can do its thing on me!

I took my first set of pills on November 19th, and taking three pills has never carried so many emotions ever before in my life! But this was it! It was really happening! This thing that I had really come to think would never, ever be possible for me in this life... the door opened and I chose to enter! Sometimes, I think about how I wish I could have arrived here sooner. I wish that I was younger in doing this, that I had taken better care of myself along the way, that this or that about my life might have gone differently. But all that really matters to me is that I am here now. This is real. I was finally ready, and the world is just a little better in its regard for the acceptance and humane treatment of transgender people. There's still so far to go -especially when it comes to protections for basic rights, access to affordable healthcare, and the overwhelming spectre of violence that exists in this world against transgender people.

But I am here, and this is happening -my transition is not even a year old, but it's been a time I will always remember! I still have a lot to learn and so far to go in this experience, but the support and encouragement I have found so far has been so good for my heart and my sense of my self worth! I got here later in life. But again I'm here, and it's time to focus on what's ahead of me!