"There Is No Name Yet"
by Dorothea Lasky“Until I find a name
I will not put it in the soul calculator
I will leave it free and open and unnamed
And not limit my expectations for the kind of person
That goes in one direction of the wind
I will keep all lines of the wind open
And place all my days free and empty
And re-envision what it means to be unencumbered
Or bereft
Not crying but the expanse of numbers
That go beyond the grave to what is left
And it may be true
I said it could be true
That the sunny days do stick to walls
And then enter you
It may be true that the purple bells do chime
Everyday you let them
It may be true that the sweet juice
I put across my lips would not be my last
But that the nights could get better and better
Until the evil is banished until the day
When the sun would crush it anyway
It was true without a set of things like letters
It was true the air was free and open
And I saw things as they were
Without violence
For the first time”
I've been putting a lot of thought into the question of a name lately. As I am still not out to many people in my life, I haven’t had to really step up and say I’d like you to use my new name… (fill in the blank). But this is something I hope to resolve soon. I imagine I can’t be the only one who has ever had so much back and forth when faced with this choice. I will always probably be “Jo” as I am planning on making “Josephine” a part of my name. I love the name “Audrey”, but I also like the name Alysia. I’ve had some fun going by “Audrey” or “Audrey Jo” online as I sign up for Ulta coupons, Modcloth newsletters, and on Tumblr, the I love the nickname, AJ. But I also feel awkward about it, so I start to think it’s a silly idea. Of course, I do that with so many thing now, as I struggle to find comfort in this skin. But this poem has really given me a sense of inspiration to work harder to resolve some of these questions I still have about my transition, my presentation, and my hopes as I keep "all lines of the wind open" before me.
