This was the second thing I ever posted on Tumblr when I started my transgender page last year, and I think this is still very good for me to hold dear. A reminder to believe in myself that I needed then I need even more right now.
When I posted this image, only three in my life knew what I was feeling or ever heard me say the word "transgender" in regards to my identity. Now that number has grown many times over, and includes most of my close friends, all of my immediate family, and even a large number of the customers I've known over the years through work.
When this post was originally made, I was also only starting therapy, and all of my hopes were fixed on getting the letter from my psychologist to qualify to begin HRT. Now here I am, close to a year later, close to having completed six months of HRT!
There's a lot of work to be done for myself yet. I have so many questions and things to figure out! Things like when do I start making noticeable feminine changes to my appearance through makeup? How and when do I start to alter my wardrobe to be more feminine? Do I just sit and wait and see what my body and the hormones do before I start thinking any further about clothes? Do I let all of the people I interact with but haven't come out to know what's going on up front? Or do I let them sort of wonder for a while? Is this when I'm going to start losing people as they decide whether or not they can really stand by me through this? I hope I'm about to learn that they meant every word they said when I came out. I have times when I have been full of doubts about everything, but most of that just comes from my anxiety about what people think of me. I need to let that go and just keep my chin up. I was never everybody's cup of tea before, and it's okay not to be now.
It is so easy to lose hope sometimes about what is possible for me in this transition, but in working to be a truly authentic me I feel already that this has made me a better me. If there are times, when I can see no other change in me than that, I must take heart that this is worth it! I am in a place in my life I never ever thought I could actually reach. I fear sometimes I am not very brave, and I know how good I am at running away from things. But after years and years of operating this way, I'm honestly too tired to run away anymore. It is time to put my strengths and energies into fully making a life for myself that finally true.
Time to go practice a bit of self care, especially for my skin right now, take my pills, and then off to bed. I've been a little blue tonight, but tomorrow's another day to try again.
