Well, here I am yet again with another go at this old blog of mine, a project spawned out of too much spare time and I suppose some loneliness. A place I know again at this current point in my life, but under much different circumstances this time around. When first I started this blog, I was a freshly divorced bachelor regaining my place in the world after surviving a rancorous ex-wife and the fallout of the hostile end to our marriage. Anyone who knows me wouldn't find it surprising that I found consolation in music, though I appreciate the irony in the fact that music was what drew me to my ex-wife in the first place as I met her after she sang in a local coffee shop in 2003. I never imagined on that night I'd be her husband some six months later, her ex-husband another four years later. But such is life, and what's done is done, and now all cliches aside I am on my own again under much different though sad circumstances.
I'm old enough to understand that life is full of relationships that we all begin with "hello" and sooner or later end with "good bye". I also know and accept the hurt that follows the good byes and realise no matter what you may try to bring it down in one piece you're not going to walk away from that crash unscathed in the end. I guess that's where I've lingered the last while, but I'm on my feet. Not flight ready, but I'll be there again. I'm just not in any hurry for it. I am just too weary of all the good byes I have known. So I think until that feeling subsides I'll make do without any new "hello"s. I'll pass the time with my books, with songs, with movies, with people I care for, and the creative endeavours that have recently come my way. I'm lonely at times for certain, and when its really bad then I really take stock in keeping busy or if it's late I take myself to bed and sometimes I can lose those feelings in sleep. I'd thought about trying to find a counselor, but I just simply can't afford it without any insurance. So I'll make due. It'll be alright. I always tried to avoid filling this blog with too much personal stuff, but maybe it'll help to occasionally say something so that I can say it somewhere on nights when there's just no one else. I feel in a way my life this summer is retreading places and hurts I knew very well that summer of 2007, and fortunately I still have the comfort of something that got me through that time which was the music of Jens Lekman. My craze with Swedish indie music really blossomed that summer, and the wonder of the music and the distractions is provided me still remain. It's time to try to sleep tonight, but I think I'll take this with me.
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1 comments:
Nice post. Good to see you back at it, as it were.
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